Mari's Room

Somehow I'd like to think that forever existed.

Too busy dreaming so a grasp on reality, I missed it. 

Couldn't hold it or kiss it

But cuz I wanted it so much, even though I didn't have it, I would never diss it.

Some days it's easy to accept life the way it is....other days...not so much. There are two situations in my life that have got me feeling a way at the end of this year. & it would be hella easy to be a hater and bash all the people that didn't have to deal with/tolerate the crap that I had to but I'm not on that wave. Truth is what is meant to be for me, will be mine. Whether with friendships, relationships, jobs, or other opportunities, I can't sweat the small doors that closed cuz eventually the bigger ones are going to have to open. Not everything is meant to happen, not everything is meant to work, not everything is meant to be done, given, said, felt, etc., and I definitely know I'm not meant to trip off of all of those lol. I can dream about what I want and get lost in the thought of having it, but at the same time, dreaming doesn't make the reality, the work and effort does. Someone said that it's true that everyone doesn't get the things that they want, but the ones who do, they showed up to get it. Rather than wasting time talking trash about the last thing you lost/missed that someone else snatched up with the quickness, how about just harnessing your energy and changing where your focus is. I'm about my business, and what's meant to be for me, TRUST me, I'm gonna get it.

HeadGames

Excuse me please, can I have directed honesty, cuz honestly, my patience has been tried and got the best of me, and so when I speak...I want to know what it is you feel and think, no go betweens or ambiguity, yes when you speak, only orate to me a truthful speech...OR SHUT THE HELL UP! LOL

So a few months ago I was sitting back and thinking that I wanted to play with this concept: HEADGAMES! Too many times we interact with people that have a fear of being direct and honest. Sometimes it's not a fear, sometimes it is just simply playing the game, and I know because I've played it. Humans are jacked up that way. We sometimes say things we don't mean, or say things we don't feel just for the sake of stringing people along, or we don't say anything at all so no one is ever really certain about anything. (It's no wonder they say nice guys finish last; they don't get down with that hustle.) The unfortunate thing is regard is never really given to the person on the receiving end of the run around. Some people will experience it and never change, but for others, they realize it's type messed up. Why repeat the same sadistic, jacked up cycle? For some, it's because they can...and that's kind of sad. For others it will simply be that desire to never feel like the fool again and I think that's sad too, but more so it's cruel. Damaged people do damage and just because we can do it, do we not see that that will make us eff'd up too? SMH anyway, check the music clip. It's a work in progress

Remember art is always speaking, so LISTEN

http://soundcloud.com/adizz3/headgames

Shard #1

She said, "I'm thinking that I can get over you." Late night conversations plague her memory as she remembers the first intense conversation that let her in and underneath, the sheeted barrier of protection that she held close like it was her everything. Fearful of pains past reoccurring in her reality, timidly she free fell into the unknown,praying that there would be a soft landing....but there wasn't. The premature kiss of lips. The premature caress of fingertips, attached to conversation that led to mental, emotional, and intense physical sensations, national security classified, one word ORGASMIC... led to a permanently bruised heart  because the experience was so short lived...

There's a quote that I love. It says "the hunger for love is harder to remove than the hunger for bread". Mother Teresa said that. She's right. We crave so much for someone to share our lives with. We want someone to wake up to, or to fall asleep next to...Perhaps one of the saddest realities is the fact that when people have it, they don't always know what they're holding on to. And what's even sadder is sometimes they let it go...Don't get me wrong, some people are definitely NOT meant to be. Some people are legit just after physical gratification as opposed to an actual long-lived loving relationship. I can't lie, I've been there a time or two...but I can't imagine continuously living a life where everyday there is a different person I wake up to. (Not to mention EWWWW! On some realness, STIs aint poppin, and after a certain age SMFH, get your life together!) I'm just saying, as much as I hate heartache and as much as I hate starting over, I'd rather push myself to get over the last person that I was really in love with to at least be able to say, even if it didn't last, and even if it's a while to the next time around, I EXPERIENCED IT! I mean eventually I'll get that "I'll love you forever" type of love that ACTUALLY has longevity lol....but in the mean time I guess...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5f1D9kHogq0

Lies

I keep lying to myself every time I see you. I keep telling myself the 
lie that I'm over, and that I won't attempt to persuade and that I don't 
want to try, and I keep saying that I, am keeping it moving and staying 
on my one side but I cannot hide what it is that I feel inside because 
I'd be commiting a crime against this heart of mine if I were to say 
that when I see you my heart does not skip a beat. My heart skips a 
beat, and it humms a melody that sings ♪ I want you to be my baby. 
Because you get to me, in a way that I've never seen, I keep trying to 
get in thinking that you might let me, or that you have let me. Damn 
you're just so fly to me that it's enough to keep me awake. You got me 
wide awake from the first day we spake, had me questioning like "wait" 
and my feelings haven't changed, it's been over a year and I still feel 
the same, dang, like the night you opened up it was like my whole body 
quaked, cuz my thoughts were of you both my heart and soul ached, and 
they still ache cuz it seemed like I was close but I'm so fucking far 
away, so I just put away my thoughts of you for another day as I admit 
that I, I can no longer lie. I feel how I feel and my feelings can't be 
denied, but as my eyes lock with yours as a challenge to you, I sigh. 
Then I ask myself one more time, what the hell, what's one more lie?

Mind Fuck

I just climaxed
Not a physical
But a mental representation of my mind's actions
Estblished in my heart's feelings
And my soul's desires for you
Yes
My mind just fucked you
Caressed your center with heated strokes
Kissed your lips
Yours being a passionate kiss
Deeper than sex is this
(In my mind)
I just fucked you
Immersed in the heat of passion
In the heat of being active
Actively wanting
Actively touching
Feeling
Kissing
Licking
Biting
Having
Tasting the forbidden fruit
Succulent flesh
Juicy....you
Running through my system
Rapidly altering my dna
According to some
Things are straight
But with you I'm actively......
In the act of
Fulfilling the deepest and darkest desires of my being
Satisfying the hunger in my flesh
I connect with your being
While we rapidly
Mentally
Physically
Spiritually
So it seems
Get so high
Somehow I'm satisfied but not satisfied with the thought of only fucking 
you in my mind

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.....once again I feel a need to apologize. Yes. I've lied and 
played with your mind, and blinded your eyes so not even you could see 
what was really real and how you should really feel so you got hung up 
on this ideal or this fantasy that left you feeling jaded with another 
"newfound clarity" that people are all the same. I'm sorry...once again 
I've allowed you to be subjected to the mercy of others. I've surrounded 
you with people that you can care about, and you care about, think 
about, constantly help out, like you have to be the saver of the free 
world, perhaps because no one saved you and your world, it crashed and 
burned, so when they stop caring that you care....you're the one that's 
left hurt. I'm sorry....you have to deal with another day of the same 
old same old. I presented the illusion that things had changed, and the 
results wouldn't be the same, and for once your efforts wouldn't be a 
waste (of your precious time, mind and energy) but so easily you gave of 
yourself, perhaps too willingly and once again: scene repeat.....I know 
how you said it was ok...but I'm sorry....I keep damaging you. I've 
dropped you and while you may chip, you don't break like glass, but with 
the smile on your face, I see through to your soul just like glass, and 
it's a fact that no troubles don't last always, but I acknowledge the 
fact that sorry is such a repeated phrase, so for another day, I'll be 
the cliche and be the first one to say the words that no one else will 
ever say....I'm sorry.....as I look into your sad eyes, confused eyes, 
and see your wavering smile I sigh because once again I'm apologizing to 
I....I'm sorry

Feed Me

Feed me. Feed me. I'm hungry. Tonight I'm running on empty, weakly, I feel my heart beat, and my thoughts speak a little too loudly. My mind has been drumming over the same concepts and my heart seems imprisoned by those same precepts that whipped, broke, and chained those that came before me....Sad to say though....I'm running on empty. Right now all I see is the image of the unobtainable, what it is I'm craving for, wanting to taste and partake that of which I can't afford and for some reason I can't stretch the vibrations on my vocal chords, creating hums loud enough to simply say...I want more...I want more, I crave more, I need more....yet I receive nothing....But in nothing's news feed I see status updates of the intricacies and the beauty of the "we're completes" and the "creating legacies" or just "simple memories" and I'm reminded of how empty it is I feel. You see the news feed doesn't fill me. Doesn't feed me. Which is why I'm empty. Why? Because what pertains to them and to you doesn't pertain to me. No this isn't jealousy or envy it's a simply stated reality, I'm hungry. Feed me. Can you take my order now? Please? I'm jonesing for conversation and mental stimulation that gets me off deeper and more intense than sexual penetration. I want to see the manifestation of intrigue and beauty, intellect and beauty, yes they say that beauty is only skin deep, but I mean beauty in terms of mind speak. You feel me? Can I get a side of flirtation, extreme verbal stimulation, get me amp off of your wordplay situation, your word phrase organization. If it's hot enough I'll yield to the temptation of giving in and getting lost in...something so deep I can't name it....perhaps that's why I have yet to obtain it...Once again I see it in my news feed but my news feed isn't really feeding me. It leaves me feeling empty. I'm thirsty. Craving for something more, something that's eluded me, can you feed me? Can you take my order please? Can we take a walk, hold hands and just talk, stare out at moonlit waters and maybe even wade in the water of possibility, and maybe even uncertainty, excitement underlying in the uncertainty of the we'll sees. We'll see what's to become of me because right now, as I speak, I'm still hungry. Starved of affection, craving slight attention, wanting to feel arms holding me while I sleep, wanting to get lost in the sound of a heartbeat beating a cadence so sweet so my drummer ears can tingle at the sound so sweet, intense and intoxicating. Eargasms left and right, as i listen to peaceful breaths through the night, to wake up and not be holding a pillow tight, wishing with all my might for something more than this plight. *sigh* Feed me. Feed me. I'm hungry. My heart is tired of feeling empty, can I pour myself out for someone worthy of me, worthy to receive, someone that I can feed, someone that will feed me. I'm waiting. I'm hungry...Can you take my order? Can you fill for my order now? Please? Feed me. I'm hungry.

Whose Tears

Whose tears are these?
Pooling like blood, collected at my feet.
Like gun shots ringing out are someone's mother's screams because in the heat of stupidity someone killed her baby
And in the heat of our greed, someone's baby goes to bed hungry
Last night I went to bed hungry and finally I understood
The world is hungry
Starving for someone to care
Feigning for someone to be there
We're praying for someone to line our pockets with green bills
So we can get on grocery lines without the swipe of the e.b.t.
So we can get off of food pantry lines, standing in the blistering heat
Let your love rain down on me
We hope, scream, dream, beg and plead
But no one seems to listen
No one thinks we can say anything worth listening to
So we drop down spinning because the world kicked the chair from underneath
So hung and annihilated is our American dreams
The American dream is dead!
Because you are not your brother's keeper.
And your sister would have been there if you ever needed her
But you aborted her existence by your self-centered persistence and your presence and power was never resisted, so you rape the rest
Abuse and take advantage of us like we're working in sweat shops.
Hours on end working and we still have to go and steal crops
And then the government wants to be quick to label us as good for nothing worthless and lazy bloodsucking thieves
Funny thing is this country was founded upon the backs of people that were stolen from their land,forced to work without pay and could only hope to stay alive and have food to eat.
That sounds familiar.
Pot calling the kettle black?
I question if anyone else sees
Yes.
In 2011 there's still slavery!
And I know it happens elsewhere but I'm talking about this, our country
They say united we stand, but for their brothers in need, they won't ever take responsibility
This hell and prison that we've created has been funded by self centered greed.
Soldiers die for a country that doesn't fully support them.
And we fight for other nations' freedom when we don't understand them, we don't respect them
How can you fight for others' freedom if you yourself are not free?
Underground railroaded to freedom but what's behind you and who's not next to you, you don't see.
Because I care about this country
I care about the future of you and me
Once again I ask
Whose tears are these?

Overdrafted

Swipe.

I chose to go shopping again.

Fingers craving diamond rings that symbolize commitment everlasting.

I had told myself no more ties and suspendered accessories that hold up and enhance your ability to keep lusting.

No more clothing that seems at the seams is busting.

No.

One size does not fit all.

But still my heart chose to take a trip to the mall to look for my..."new".

Shopping for beautiful smiles and gorgeous eyes with lips that can beautifully whisper masterpieces of symphonies in my ears.

Shopping for fingertips to caress, writing out stanzas of poetry, connecting the dots on skin, illuminating the distance that it would take to please and touch me...

Mentally.

But I bought into eyes that were inflamed with simply a lust for me.

That had no means of hope for me.

No grounds for stability.

Just instant gratification that didn't leave me gratified or satisfied, just disgusted, hollowed and emptied.

I purchased lips sharing shallow conversation.

No musical melodies.

No poems.

No symphonies.

Nothing substantial or deep.

And I bought hands that wouldn't open or hold doors.

Hands that couldn't turn glass ceilings into tap dancing floors.

No picked flowers.

No sweet smelling flowers.

I bought shoes that weren't made to fit me.

Walking a path that was never a good look to me, but I never stopped to think.

No.

I just swiped.

Heart.

Swiped.

Body.

Swiped.

Soul.

Swiped.

Swiped through the machines. 

Making rapid deductions from what I have to give.

Love budget diminished by swiping aimlesslsly.

Living my life emotionally retarded and ignorantly.

I wrote checks I could no longer cash and for each ignorant swipe I was left paying these high ass overdraft fees.

Overdrafted.

Taken

They crept through back doored lies.

Never mind the tears that fall from eyes that know nothing but the tears and fears of the same nightmare occurring in their day dreams.

Or in their reality

I saw pain attached to screams that came out as whispers

With every deep breath accompanying the memory of when he kissed her

And when they dismissed her

Dirty and unworthy to embrace the comfort of truth.

Instead sheets stained

Stripped from the bed before anyone could air the dirty laundry

The walls start talking and denial meets its speech.

So through back doors and cracks filter up lies like flooded waters

No sand bags or "I'm mads" to beat the tide back

Secrets caress fingertips.

No scents of lavender or lilac

Stripped of her sense of royalty and dignity

Unwanted daughter

"Love" she said

"Evades me and all I have are the memories of my emotions being carved out of me.

Beaten out of me"

Stripped.

She screams for freedom.

When will truth arise?

For all she sees are lies...

Through back doors and cracked windows they appear.

Silencing the screams of need

Silencing the desire to cry or feel.

Without apology they disappear

And in their wake they leave memories, dried eyes and fear...

Shopping

She said "I thought you'd love me forever."
It was a clever line that he had spoke captivating her attention with little jokes anecdotes that made her smile to herself silently.
The memory now replaced with her tear struck face has her crying silently.
So silent that you'd need to perform open heart surgery to see the way the tears surround her heart. Can't see it on the outside but on the inside it's drowning her heart.
Seems like her heart is being ripped at the seams because each kiss wasn't what it seemed
and while she fought it she couldn't help but believe every time he said he loved her.
They went shopping.
You see too easily we go out looking for our next female or male made to order accessory so we can do the whole arm in arm, walk and talk thing, screaming "hey world look at me".
This concept we call "dating", it's nothing more than us breeding animals to pull out the best looking one for our appetites to feast.
We live in lust and greed, picking up two and three of the same kind but in different colors.
Like eating skittles we taste the rainbow
and eagerly like spoiled children we walk down the aisles picking up, kissing, caressing or undressing without really thinking that there can only be one.
There should only be one.
Like that one ensemble that captures everyone's attention when you step into the room.
(Yes, I want to take your breath away.)
But no we don't think that way.
We pick up things we'll never even wear, never even use, never even eat but never even question why we shop like we're confused.
We don't have a clear line of view so we borrow kisses that we'll never be able to give back,
like those shoes you bought,
as though you scuffed the front or lost your receipt,
the store aint taking that shit back, because it's used goods.
We take our partners like we do a car lease
with a 30 day money back guarantee.So we never have to commit to anything,
we never consider humans aren't like toys though,
they actually have feelings.
But I guess we like shopping too much to ever really give a you know what.
Maybe we should shop buy and spend time only with the concept of "no returns" in mind
before we pick up lips and kisses,
caress fingertips while on dates without intentions,
while secretly we envision the newer model we want to claim as our prize,
treating each other like toys on the shelves that we pick up, play with and break but never intended to buy.
But we seal the deal with a lie.
Another kiss that continues to build the liars bridge that once we burn we'll be telling them to get over it.
Our hearts get sold to the lowest bidders when to the highest we never really gave a shit.
But of course, we would never really say that shit,
instead we break hearts and spirits with every empty kiss.
Every empty hug and every empty use of the word love.
Leaving a sex stained path and others broken by their love and our lusts.
She said "I thought you'd love me forever."
She began to laugh after her tears dried.
She had to admit to herself as she got ready to go shopping again,
even she had told that lie.
Now who wants to go shopping.