Ssips

She said I want to take another sip
Sip, sit back on these memories that are caught up in her chest can she sit back please, take a sec to breathe, blink back tears, like blood streams pooling  deep beneath her feet.
She thinks she needs a drink.
She swallows back the burn of the hurts that won't let her sleep, cloud her mind and haunt her day dreams, slowing her heart beat so she can't hear the screams, she hears the screams *scream*
She thinks "if I can only take another sip"
Sip.
Let the liquid touch her lips erasing every "this is a moment I wish that I could forget. This is a day that everything within me regrets" but she's not ready to deal with them yet so she buys another bottle when the last isn't finished yet.
"it's easier to run"
Linkin Park must have had it wrong cuz all she's doing is sipping and slipping into a spiral heading downward where to hope she's resistant. Her friends and family are persistent, thinking she has a problem, they're insisting, "babygirl plz but the bottle down, your drowning now"
Was passed out on the cold linoleum floor, she comes to now, barely remembering the sounds of her haunting demons being vomited out.

Mari's Room

Somehow I'd like to think that forever existed.

Too busy dreaming so a grasp on reality, I missed it. 

Couldn't hold it or kiss it

But cuz I wanted it so much, even though I didn't have it, I would never diss it.

Some days it's easy to accept life the way it is....other days...not so much. There are two situations in my life that have got me feeling a way at the end of this year. & it would be hella easy to be a hater and bash all the people that didn't have to deal with/tolerate the crap that I had to but I'm not on that wave. Truth is what is meant to be for me, will be mine. Whether with friendships, relationships, jobs, or other opportunities, I can't sweat the small doors that closed cuz eventually the bigger ones are going to have to open. Not everything is meant to happen, not everything is meant to work, not everything is meant to be done, given, said, felt, etc., and I definitely know I'm not meant to trip off of all of those lol. I can dream about what I want and get lost in the thought of having it, but at the same time, dreaming doesn't make the reality, the work and effort does. Someone said that it's true that everyone doesn't get the things that they want, but the ones who do, they showed up to get it. Rather than wasting time talking trash about the last thing you lost/missed that someone else snatched up with the quickness, how about just harnessing your energy and changing where your focus is. I'm about my business, and what's meant to be for me, TRUST me, I'm gonna get it.

HeadGames

Excuse me please, can I have directed honesty, cuz honestly, my patience has been tried and got the best of me, and so when I speak...I want to know what it is you feel and think, no go betweens or ambiguity, yes when you speak, only orate to me a truthful speech...OR SHUT THE HELL UP! LOL

So a few months ago I was sitting back and thinking that I wanted to play with this concept: HEADGAMES! Too many times we interact with people that have a fear of being direct and honest. Sometimes it's not a fear, sometimes it is just simply playing the game, and I know because I've played it. Humans are jacked up that way. We sometimes say things we don't mean, or say things we don't feel just for the sake of stringing people along, or we don't say anything at all so no one is ever really certain about anything. (It's no wonder they say nice guys finish last; they don't get down with that hustle.) The unfortunate thing is regard is never really given to the person on the receiving end of the run around. Some people will experience it and never change, but for others, they realize it's type messed up. Why repeat the same sadistic, jacked up cycle? For some, it's because they can...and that's kind of sad. For others it will simply be that desire to never feel like the fool again and I think that's sad too, but more so it's cruel. Damaged people do damage and just because we can do it, do we not see that that will make us eff'd up too? SMH anyway, check the music clip. It's a work in progress

Remember art is always speaking, so LISTEN

http://soundcloud.com/adizz3/headgames

Shard #1

She said, "I'm thinking that I can get over you." Late night conversations plague her memory as she remembers the first intense conversation that let her in and underneath, the sheeted barrier of protection that she held close like it was her everything. Fearful of pains past reoccurring in her reality, timidly she free fell into the unknown,praying that there would be a soft landing....but there wasn't. The premature kiss of lips. The premature caress of fingertips, attached to conversation that led to mental, emotional, and intense physical sensations, national security classified, one word ORGASMIC... led to a permanently bruised heart  because the experience was so short lived...

There's a quote that I love. It says "the hunger for love is harder to remove than the hunger for bread". Mother Teresa said that. She's right. We crave so much for someone to share our lives with. We want someone to wake up to, or to fall asleep next to...Perhaps one of the saddest realities is the fact that when people have it, they don't always know what they're holding on to. And what's even sadder is sometimes they let it go...Don't get me wrong, some people are definitely NOT meant to be. Some people are legit just after physical gratification as opposed to an actual long-lived loving relationship. I can't lie, I've been there a time or two...but I can't imagine continuously living a life where everyday there is a different person I wake up to. (Not to mention EWWWW! On some realness, STIs aint poppin, and after a certain age SMFH, get your life together!) I'm just saying, as much as I hate heartache and as much as I hate starting over, I'd rather push myself to get over the last person that I was really in love with to at least be able to say, even if it didn't last, and even if it's a while to the next time around, I EXPERIENCED IT! I mean eventually I'll get that "I'll love you forever" type of love that ACTUALLY has longevity lol....but in the mean time I guess...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5f1D9kHogq0

Lies

I keep lying to myself every time I see you. I keep telling myself the 
lie that I'm over, and that I won't attempt to persuade and that I don't 
want to try, and I keep saying that I, am keeping it moving and staying 
on my one side but I cannot hide what it is that I feel inside because 
I'd be commiting a crime against this heart of mine if I were to say 
that when I see you my heart does not skip a beat. My heart skips a 
beat, and it humms a melody that sings ♪ I want you to be my baby. 
Because you get to me, in a way that I've never seen, I keep trying to 
get in thinking that you might let me, or that you have let me. Damn 
you're just so fly to me that it's enough to keep me awake. You got me 
wide awake from the first day we spake, had me questioning like "wait" 
and my feelings haven't changed, it's been over a year and I still feel 
the same, dang, like the night you opened up it was like my whole body 
quaked, cuz my thoughts were of you both my heart and soul ached, and 
they still ache cuz it seemed like I was close but I'm so fucking far 
away, so I just put away my thoughts of you for another day as I admit 
that I, I can no longer lie. I feel how I feel and my feelings can't be 
denied, but as my eyes lock with yours as a challenge to you, I sigh. 
Then I ask myself one more time, what the hell, what's one more lie?

Mind Fuck

I just climaxed
Not a physical
But a mental representation of my mind's actions
Estblished in my heart's feelings
And my soul's desires for you
Yes
My mind just fucked you
Caressed your center with heated strokes
Kissed your lips
Yours being a passionate kiss
Deeper than sex is this
(In my mind)
I just fucked you
Immersed in the heat of passion
In the heat of being active
Actively wanting
Actively touching
Feeling
Kissing
Licking
Biting
Having
Tasting the forbidden fruit
Succulent flesh
Juicy....you
Running through my system
Rapidly altering my dna
According to some
Things are straight
But with you I'm actively......
In the act of
Fulfilling the deepest and darkest desires of my being
Satisfying the hunger in my flesh
I connect with your being
While we rapidly
Mentally
Physically
Spiritually
So it seems
Get so high
Somehow I'm satisfied but not satisfied with the thought of only fucking 
you in my mind

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.....once again I feel a need to apologize. Yes. I've lied and 
played with your mind, and blinded your eyes so not even you could see 
what was really real and how you should really feel so you got hung up 
on this ideal or this fantasy that left you feeling jaded with another 
"newfound clarity" that people are all the same. I'm sorry...once again 
I've allowed you to be subjected to the mercy of others. I've surrounded 
you with people that you can care about, and you care about, think 
about, constantly help out, like you have to be the saver of the free 
world, perhaps because no one saved you and your world, it crashed and 
burned, so when they stop caring that you care....you're the one that's 
left hurt. I'm sorry....you have to deal with another day of the same 
old same old. I presented the illusion that things had changed, and the 
results wouldn't be the same, and for once your efforts wouldn't be a 
waste (of your precious time, mind and energy) but so easily you gave of 
yourself, perhaps too willingly and once again: scene repeat.....I know 
how you said it was ok...but I'm sorry....I keep damaging you. I've 
dropped you and while you may chip, you don't break like glass, but with 
the smile on your face, I see through to your soul just like glass, and 
it's a fact that no troubles don't last always, but I acknowledge the 
fact that sorry is such a repeated phrase, so for another day, I'll be 
the cliche and be the first one to say the words that no one else will 
ever say....I'm sorry.....as I look into your sad eyes, confused eyes, 
and see your wavering smile I sigh because once again I'm apologizing to 
I....I'm sorry